things i've learned in the USA

1. thou shalt not speak to the bus driver.
so, in australia, you board the bus, tell the driver where you're going and pay accordingly. what i failed to realize is that in americatown, there is only one price for a trip, regardless of destination. and i looked quite the fool when i walked on the bus declaring:
"los cerritos please!"
"um, yeah?"
"so, we're going to los cerritos"
"ok, yes. i go to town center then los cerritos"
"um, ok. so how much is it to get there"
"90c."
"i just put in a dollar"
"it's 90c"
"oh um, is that ok?"
"no, it's 90c"
"oh... um..."
and so on and so forth...

2. tote bags are 'totally gay'
one of the perks of shitkicking at FBi radio is that i got free FBi tote bags. and i use my tote bag all the time; it's free, it's small and it's free. but apparently it's a 'man purse' in amuricuh. i was told to buy a backpack. apparently a $30-something schoolboy bag makes your balls grow and anything free is totally gay...

3. some americans don't quite get the difference between homosexuals and british people
despite warnings, i used my totally gay tote bag today. and the snappy combination of said tote bag and some fake ray-bans provoked some redneck with car trouble to shout out "OHHH BEEEHAAAAVVEEE" at us. after a few minutes of deliberation, i figured he was implying that we were gay. but hey, austin powers, gay people. potayto, potaato.

4. olympic coverage is retarded in every country
i hate channel 7's coverage of beijing. i don't want 'team usa vs. some token poor shitty basketball playing country' to be cut for fucking australian equestrian. no one likes to watch horses walk. not even horses like it. they hate themselves for doing it... but i soon realized it's the same shit here. yes, nastia liukin got screwed out of gold. yes, it was a tie. no, i don't want to see 2 hours of straight analysis. and no one wants to watch the american women's field hockey team play spain for 7th place. seeing as a lot of those lovely hockey players look like horses, i might as well be watching aussie equestrian. and come to think of it, it was the same with the brits when i got BBC in belgium. except for those damn flags on every porch outside, i'm all for people loving their country, but equestrian and 7th place playoffs is crossing the line. show me medals, or at least give me someone's face into a hurdle in the steeplechase.


--Update--
Things I haven't learned about the USA
by Derek Bogart

How is it possible that Australia has (apparently) overtaken the US as the fattest nation in the world when my main options for food are:
a) Donuts, donuts, donuts.
b) Nacho cheese covered Hot Dogs/French Fries
c) 5 Chilli Dogs for $5
d) Burger King's new Cheesy Bacon Tendercrisp
(http://www.bk.com/#menu=2,83,-1)
e) see previous post.

... gotta love this place, now where's my jumbo pack of beef jerky?