shut up and let me go!

i hate the ting tings. and that mother F'ing song has been blasting from outside the las vegas fashion show mall all F'n weekend. one day i will kill that singer woman. and i won't go to jail. because the ting tings suck...

so we're in an apple store. waiting to hit the airport and leave the gosh darn west coast for new yawk. holy shit i'm ready to leave the gosh darn west coast. it's great, just not for too long.

so in summary:

- i lost around $350

- blackjack is the devil's tool

- mexican food is the devil's butt's tool

- vegas boob is nasty boob, but it's still boob

- fake new york is the best thing on the strip. what does that make real new york? i'm about to find out.

- we are officially pimps after staying at the gold plated trump hotel.

- cab drivers paid for us to get into strip clubs all night. and gave us free drinks.

- strip clubs give an equal amount of depressing and awesome.

awesome.

chicken? waffles?

chicken.and.waffles. yes, fried-fucking-chicken and muthafuckin' waffles together at last.

...someone kill me. please.

las vegas, you're fired!

mexican food is the devil's creation. at first thought it proposes a wealth of happiness and satisfaction; what you don't know is that agreeing to it's terms is basically agreeing to spend an eternity (or atleast a couple of hours) in hell.

so yesterday we made the trip down to see Ems in her cute little college town of San Diego. we arrived at 6 or 7pm and decided that dinner was on the agenda, and after a quick brainstorming session we were off to El Torito mexican restaurant. oh how that was a bad move.

now don't get me wrong the food was good, the atmosphere was nice and the company was fun, however it seems that with mexican food specifically your stomach tends to deceive you into thinking you're still hungry even after 2 baskets of complimentary chips & salsa, some kind of entree "sampler" of nachos, buffalo wings, quesadillas etc. and a main of two tacos & a cheese filled enchilada. throw in a margarita and you're in for a very unhappy ending. and that's exactly what i got. hell, the mere thought of mexican makes my stomach cringe with fear. and i didn't even have the "Macho Combo", which i think its safe to say definitely got the better of one David Novak.

After a nice relaxing day at the beach today i was able to work on a nice little tan (not) and recover from the horrors of last night. What a nice little getaway to San Diego it turned out to be.

Next stop: Las Vegas. Where better to spend 2 days in Sin City than the 5-star Trump Tower, central to Vegas' most popular casinos. On Friday night we'll be gambling our savings away to the tune of free booze, endless shrimp cocktails and sleazy wedding bells in what should prove to be a fitting segway to the hustle & bustle of New York New York. Granted i don't leave everything at the blackjack table. its Vegas baby!

bye for now

best. ad. ever.

american ads are terrible. we all know that. they are like twice as loud as the tv show you're watching and most of them make those aussie "FIVE BUCKS! AT LOWES!" ads look like masterpieces. and because of the 8 million testimonials from joe schmuck and jane dumbass in every ad, it feels like i meet more american people on the television than i do outdoors in the real world. there's the aforementioned jeremiah, who caught a 3lb. trout with his pocket fisherman

$20... and no booze.

ok. i was expecting to be the embarrassed douchebag getting turned away from geisha bar (some wanky bar where important people with amazing cars go, or some bullshit. they probably play akon and chris brown). and yes, we did get turned away from the exclusive bar, even after the pep talk we gave ourselves before approaching the bar (ok, so we'll just cruise in and slip the bouncer a $20 and it'll be sweet). fine, that's expected, and hilarious. and i did expect to have to pay $10 to get into some random bar that felt like a sausagefest in asiatown...
but then, after we had the genius idea to hit a strip club, BAM! we're asked for $10 cover charge and told we have to spend $10 on soft drinks. what kind of a world parades naked ladies around and doesn't sell the devil's juice? boobs are nothing without jaeger...
yes, i'm a classy man. but still, that is a bit ridiculous, n'est-ce pas?

still, it was interesting going out in LA. even when "going out" isn't what i thought it was around here. apparently bars close at like 2am at the very latest. and i felt really cool and hip (like those kids in the laguna OC beach hills) talking about how us supercool sydney kids dance to chris brown and akon til about 4am or even sunrise. but then i just realize that everyone here lives with like 10 other mates and just get drunk at home and play beerpong all night. so whatever, beerpong, world bar. potayto potaatoe.

...as heard on radio usa

if i hear viva la vida by coldplay again i'm going to kill someone.

so, obviously, radio is a bigger monster in les estados unidos than in australia. there are loads of stations, the are loads of genres, and there are about 5 rock artists played on rock stations. any time we get in our badass chevy cobalt rent-a-car, we will hear either:
coldplay
chili peppers
coldplay
modest mouse
incubus
the offspring
or coldplay
but yeah, it's not like that's a bad collection, except the offspring. new offspring makes me want to punch babies. ugh, actually scratch that first note. i'll take viva la vida anytime, because if i hear that damn offspring song again, i will do unspeakable things behind the wheel.

san diego is a wonderful place.
that is all.

in and/or round her mouth

walking (driving, no one walks) around california is like living in superbad. convenience stores, liquor stores, strip malls, malls, buses, strip malls... that's pretty much all there is to it. it reminds me of those planned communities outside sydney where all the houses are the same and everything is creepily pristine. and i fucking hate strip malls. they are everything that is wrong with the world. driving around long beach is like walking around an outdoor mall. it's like if someone took warringah mall and made it a hundred times bigger and put a couple of houses in between. and there are enough car park spots in each strip mall to fit every car i've ever seen in my entire life. anyone who wants to walk or take public transport or bike around california, will find out that it's near impossible to do so.

every other ad on television is about buying a car with a good MPG (miles per gallon) rating and how great saving gas is, and i love stepping outside and getting a face-ful of fuck off SUVs and houses on wheels and hummers that look like they just ate my toyota camry for breakfast. oh and i particularly enjoy the dude on the radio shouting at radio listeners to stop "complaining about gas prices rising. just get a car with a good MPG rating and stop gossiping about gas prices like it was a hollywood celebrity." yes, the gas crisis is my fault and the way to solve it to get an SUV with a slighty better MPG than the camry eating hummer. bam! crisis resolved! freaking genius!

things i've learned in the USA

1. thou shalt not speak to the bus driver.
so, in australia, you board the bus, tell the driver where you're going and pay accordingly. what i failed to realize is that in americatown, there is only one price for a trip, regardless of destination. and i looked quite the fool when i walked on the bus declaring:
"los cerritos please!"
"um, yeah?"
"so, we're going to los cerritos"
"ok, yes. i go to town center then los cerritos"
"um, ok. so how much is it to get there"
"90c."
"i just put in a dollar"
"it's 90c"
"oh um, is that ok?"
"no, it's 90c"
"oh... um..."
and so on and so forth...

2. tote bags are 'totally gay'
one of the perks of shitkicking at FBi radio is that i got free FBi tote bags. and i use my tote bag all the time; it's free, it's small and it's free. but apparently it's a 'man purse' in amuricuh. i was told to buy a backpack. apparently a $30-something schoolboy bag makes your balls grow and anything free is totally gay...

3. some americans don't quite get the difference between homosexuals and british people
despite warnings, i used my totally gay tote bag today. and the snappy combination of said tote bag and some fake ray-bans provoked some redneck with car trouble to shout out "OHHH BEEEHAAAAVVEEE" at us. after a few minutes of deliberation, i figured he was implying that we were gay. but hey, austin powers, gay people. potayto, potaato.

4. olympic coverage is retarded in every country
i hate channel 7's coverage of beijing. i don't want 'team usa vs. some token poor shitty basketball playing country' to be cut for fucking australian equestrian. no one likes to watch horses walk. not even horses like it. they hate themselves for doing it... but i soon realized it's the same shit here. yes, nastia liukin got screwed out of gold. yes, it was a tie. no, i don't want to see 2 hours of straight analysis. and no one wants to watch the american women's field hockey team play spain for 7th place. seeing as a lot of those lovely hockey players look like horses, i might as well be watching aussie equestrian. and come to think of it, it was the same with the brits when i got BBC in belgium. except for those damn flags on every porch outside, i'm all for people loving their country, but equestrian and 7th place playoffs is crossing the line. show me medals, or at least give me someone's face into a hurdle in the steeplechase.


--Update--
Things I haven't learned about the USA
by Derek Bogart

How is it possible that Australia has (apparently) overtaken the US as the fattest nation in the world when my main options for food are:
a) Donuts, donuts, donuts.
b) Nacho cheese covered Hot Dogs/French Fries
c) 5 Chilli Dogs for $5
d) Burger King's new Cheesy Bacon Tendercrisp
(http://www.bk.com/#menu=2,83,-1)
e) see previous post.

... gotta love this place, now where's my jumbo pack of beef jerky?

americuh, fuck yeah.

i hate america. well, i love america. but it will give you heart disease in 2 days. and nobody needs that many refills. jesus christ...

i can't even think about typing right now because this big screen tv is blasting an infomercial about how jerimiah caught a 3lb. trout with his pocket fisherman! only 3 easy payments of 29.95! oh wait, now it's telling me to buy enzyte, a tablet for 'natural male enhancement.' i'm guessing that means it makes your willy bigger... ah, finally. back to godzilla vs. the smog monster. just one of the quality movies on the 800+ channels.

a more proactive person would be out doing stuff, but fuck it, i'm on vacation. and we've already been to walmart, what else is there to see? now where are my pop tarts?

so long suckers!

sydney airport sucks a fat monkey sack.
eagle boys pizza? wtf is that?!
shit.

the real beginning?

the beginning - take two:

Waallllll EEEEEEEEEEeeeee

"WWWAaaaaallll EEEeeeee!"